How To Stop Overhelping And Keep Your Energy For Yourself

Just last month, I ran the first: Get Out Of Your Own Way Challenge. It was SO MUCH FUN. I loved getting your responses every day and I loved the shifts that happened in your lives in 12 short days.

I sent out a survey after the challenge and asked the challengers what their favorite exercise was, and this was the one they voted as #1!

I’ve decided to share it with you because I believe it’s powerful and the message keeps coming back to me in conversations.

This was challenge email day 8, and the exercise is called: The Knot. And here is how it goes...

You have one job while you are here on earth.

If you imagine for a second that there is a net that covers the earth and connects us all to one another, you’ll look up and see that above you, there is a knot.

MAINTAINING THIS KNOT – THAT IS YOUR ONLY JOB.
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX YOUR NEIGHBOR’S KNOT.
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO JUDGE HOW WELL SOMEONE ELSE’S KNOT IS DOING.

Your sole (soul?) focus is maintaining the integrity of YOUR KNOT and by doing this, you make the job easier on the people around you… not by helping them directly, but by focusing on yourself.

When you have what I like to call “Good Person Syndrome”, also known as being a People Pleaser, or like my husband says, 'Mother F'ing Teresa Syndrome' it’s hard for you to focus on your own knot.

One of the biggest hindrances in Knot Self Care is the fact that you are constantly assessing and anticipating other people’s needs and wants even before they know they have them. As a Good Person in the world, this is a conundrum, because you like to be considerate, you want to be a nice person, so you work hard at doing that and even pride yourself on it.

Here are the problems with that approach:

1. You’re often fixing things for other people that they are perfectly capable of fixing themselves

2. You’re fixing things for people that they never wanted fixed in the first place

3. You’re thinking you’re fixing something but because you don't have clear information from the other side, you might be making things more difficult (even with good intentions!)

When you do this, you are messing up your own energy a few ways:

1. You are abandoning your own needs. You are so focused on other peoples needs and emotional states that you fail to realize that you are tired, hungry, need to pee, need a hug, etc until it’s too late. Abandoning your own needs means that you aren’t caring for your own knot. That’s your only job!
   
   
2. You are telling the people around you that you don’t trust them and don’t believe they are capable of handling their own lives. You know better, you know how to do it easier, it’ll be faster if you just do it yourself. It’s rude and it breaks down other people’s self-awareness and self-confidence. How are they able to survive without you? Believe me, if given the chance, they’ll do just fine. Maybe different than how you imagine it, but that’s okay too.
   
   
3. You are sending your focus and attention outside of yourself and therefore have less of your own energy available to use. Guess what the biggest symptom of this is? Fatigue! If you’re sick of saying that you’re tired, it’s time to refocus on YOU.

What kinds of things are we fixing for other people? I’ll give you an example from my own life that might help clear it up for you.

I’m obsessed with making sure old ladies have seats on the tram. This means that every time I’m on the tram (EVERY DAMN DAY), my energy is never in my own body because at every stop, I’m making sure no old ladies get on board and if they do, that someone gets up for them. It also means that I’m judging other people for not getting up at the speed that I think they should! NOT MY JOB! (Unless I’m sitting in the seat that should be made available to the little old ladies.) The other thing I’m doing in this situation is basically letting that old lady know that I don’t TRUST her abilities to ask someone to get up if she needs a seat.

WHY WOULD I ASSUME THAT SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN ALIVE TWICE AS LONG AS I HAVE AND HAS BEEN RIDING THESE SAME TRAMS HER WHOLE LIFE DOESN’T HAVE A VOICE? IT’S RUDE! I’VE STARTED TRUSTING OLD LADIES AND MY ENERGY IS BETTER FOR IT!

Your job today? Send me one name or type of person that you could allow a little more space, a little more responsibility, and a little more trust that they can handle their own shit.

Basically, whose space will you be exiting so that they can take care of their own knot and you can stay focused on yours?

XO

C