Catharsis. She's a bitch. caitdonovan.com

Inspired By India: Catharsis. She’s a bitch.

Catharsis. She’s a bitch.

 

I cried last night. Youtube was a great help. Give me a few motivational or moving videos and I’m off. It probably wasn’t enough. I went to sleep at 10:45 and woke up at 6:15. There was a knock at the door because the Ananda staff is amazing and they wake us up to give us a pot of ginger lemon honey tea to start the day. The plan was to drink my tea, get my morning started and head down to 7:15 yoga. My stomach said “No way lady”. Bouts of intestinal cramps kept me just where I was.

About 8:30 I head to the pool, I just wanted to lay in the warm sun. Did that for a bit, had some breakfast and then back to the pool. My body is so weak that I couldn’t even talk to my friend. Zero comprehension from my side. It felt like my brain was sloshing around inside my head. All the while, I am noticing how much I hold my stomach, right in the solar plexus. In addition to that, every 20-30 minutes another cramp comes by and leaves me breathless.. Interrupting my lovely breathing patterns even more.

 

After resting it was time for a yoga and pranayama session. It was supposed to be an hour and half. I lasted about 45 minutes before I burst into tears. I sobbed, aching sobs, from the pits of my stomach for about 10 minutes. Sandeep sat quietly and reminded me it was ok to let it out. He asked if I was crying because I was uncomfortable. On some level, that sounded like a great excuse, but I knew it wasn’t true. I don’t know where these tears of from, but they are old. Like a whole lifetime old.

 

To make this all more fun, I’ve been burping all day too. I guess when it’s time to finally come out, it just does. I am so grateful to be here to do this. This is the only thing I need to concentrate on. The surroundings are safe and beautiful. The people are kind and gentle. No one looks twice at me walking slower than a sloth. I’ve never walked so slowly in my life and I literally cannot go any faster.

 

Catharsis. She’s a bitch.

 

Any good letting it all out stories? I need some company to pass the time.

 

XO

C

Comments

  1. All last winter I kept catching colds, 6 of them. They weren’t bad colds but it became clear to me that my body just wanted me to take quiet time for myself to be, sit and cry and cry and cry. The last of the 6 was a cough that started from the deepest part of my lungs. This was not an exterior pathogen. It was clear that this was grief and sadness from the center of my being needing to come out. And it did as I coughed for 3 weeks straight, crying in between. So many feelings and bodily substances coming out for months, I felt like a volcanos that would never stop erupting! Eventually, the erupting slowed down. I still erupt frequently but without as much intensity, sometimes and it feels like those ongoing small eruptions are helpful. I’m so grateful for listening to my body telling me that it needed space to be and erupt to heal. And I’m so grateful that you are giving yourself the space to do it too?

    1. caitdonovan

      Oh man. It’s so hard to be a sick healer. I’m glad the intensity is dying down and you’re feeling the usefulness of the eruptions as they come up. Suffering is a p.i.t.a. and a great vehicle for transformation 🙂

  2. D.

    I’ve been having some strange changes in flow and discharge for the last 10 days. Even visited the hospital and they couldn’t find anything.
    As I sat down to figure this out for a moment, I remembered where I was: I was spending 3 days in the place where I experienced trauma as a child.
    It is definitely related. I feel some weakness and am light headed but no other serious problems. I also have support.
    But I am annoyed that my body just decided to express itself like this “without my permission” – it makes me feel I am not in charge and that this is a struggle between brain and body.

    1. caitdonovan

      Wow. Not surprising though.

      Your body is always in charge and doesn’t usually work on a convenient schedule 😉

  3. Eileen Pettengill

    no stories for you but words of encouragement…let it go and let it be! love, e

  4. Chris Donovan

    This sounds horrid…I hope it’s cathartic and not food poisoning or something.

  5. NT

    first of all, *this* catharthis is a bitch!!! yassssss!

    you know many of my cathartic moments, here’s a different spin for you. After an exceptionally hellish year, my dear husband’s back seized up. he went to a roly poly Polynesian healer who told him his ribs were stuck because he had an emotional injury from bottling up so much grief. from the hellish year probably. roly poly did his magic and tapped hear and there and such, and lo and behold, jimbo’s back was instantly cured…not sure that he’s kept up with releasing his own bitchy cathatharsis. maybe i’ll ask him.

    1. caitdonovan

      That is incredible. Man, sometimes the body really just needs a good cry.

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